Before we go any further, here’s the formula of any great
disaster movie:
1. Find a leading man who is BARELY believable as a
normal person, but put him in a uniform.
If he’s in a uniform, he’s instantly sympathetic. Police Officers, Firefighters, Military
members, all are acceptable. Now,
Twister deviated from this, but only because Bill Paxton’s swagger is enough to
make up for almost anything. Also
he has a Southern accent, so bonus points
2. Create a “heart” of the story. This means there’s an ‘emotional’
through-line that is generic enough for everyone to relate to, but that isn’t
so character specific that it BECOMES the plot, because, well, Mother Nature is
the plot
3. Fill the roles with lots of recognizable, but
not Blockbuster names. We need to
all be able to go “oh! That’s that guy from that thing!” but not be distracted
from the Leading Man.
4. Go Big or Go Home and when you can, go
BIGGER! Why stop at an Earthquake
when you can add on Aliens? Or why
stop at a Tsunami when you can tack on a building fire PLUS an airplane
crash? Or why stop at any ONE of
those when you can have them ALL?
5. One notable person must be sacrificed, but in
the realm of the story, that’s it.
No more than one. Because
ultimately, the only thing a disaster movie is really about is survival.
6. The human villain can be despicable because,
when needed, a house can be dropped on them. Literally a house.
Or, in the case of San Andreas, a flying shipping container. No joke, that was my LOL moment. It combined the insanity of Loony
Tunes’ Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote Acme-bought violence with the actual
human fear of “if I was stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge, that would happen to
me!”
7. Include wildlife when you can. Flying cows, coyotes in Central Park,
anything goes.
Now that we’re clear on the rules,
let’s discuss expectations. A
disaster movie is never EXPECTED to be good. It’s EXPECTED to be entertaining. Because ultimately, it’s not about what happens in the
movie, it’s about the audience being able to say to themselves “but what would
I do in that situation?” This is
the same psychology behind any apocalypse-set film. Every single person in the audience is nearly INCAPABLE of
believing themselves to be so ordinary as to be one of the dumb people trapped
in their cars or shuffled to the side and trampled on. We are each the hero of our own
survival story and, so, the characters in a disaster movie are only there as vicarious stand-ins. A disaster movie is only about the
characters in so much as we need a REASON to watch the Golden Gate Bridge
collapse. Titanic is, by far, the
most successful disaster movie that will ever be made, (because it’s emotional
throughline was being played by two actors who could really pull it off) but
I’m willing to put a wager down now that
San Andreas will be in the Top 5 disaster movies as the years pass,
because it walks the fine line of ridiculous and unbelievable so well.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (I’ll
never drop The Rock for you Dwayne, never! It will forever be your reminder of
your humble beginnings!) stars as Ray Gaines, an LA Fire and Rescue guy who
looks like, not only can he fly a helicopter, but if you needed one pulled to
the mechanic up the road, he could do that too. To be honest, if he was the guy rescuing me, my first
thought would be “YES! Someone to get me off this cliff!” the second would be
“But how will that rope hold him AND ME? Was it woven by Rumplestiltskin?!”
Just kidding, I probably wouldn’t be having a second thought because all of my
mental energy would be going to my “terrified” cry, which is different from my
“angry” cry, which is different from my “sad” cry.
Anyway, Ray’s daughter is going
off to college and his soon-to be ex-wife is about to move in with LA Donald
Trump-lite. To simplify, things
are going rough for Ray even though he’s a really stand-up guy who is good at
his job. Luckily his job is
rescuing people so when the Hoover Dam crumbles into a billion pieces, his crew
is called up to help. But he’ll
never get there because just as the Hoover Dam gets done shaking it off
Swift-style, LA gets blindsided by the earthquake that they’ve literally been
warned about for a century. Guys,
if you’ve put a lot of money into LA real estate, you’ve been swindled, because
one day you’ll actually just float off into the Pacific. This is just science.
Ray has to go rescue his
soon-to-be ex-baby-momma, and then they have to go save their daughter. Their daughter, by the way, has managed
to meet a super cute British engineer who’s looking for a job with her
maybe-soon-to-be-new-dad. (HINT:
he won’t be her new dad, she gets to keep her old dad)
Ray and his momma bear do
eventually get to San Francisco FROM LA in record time using no less than a
helicopter, a hot-wired vehicle, a jump plane (remember that, A JUMP PLANE) and
a boat that can scale a Tsunami.
If this were a parody, they would have thrown in a train with wings, but
like I said, they walk a fine line.
I can’t tell you why I found what
is clearly a ridiculous movie so heartwarming. Perhaps it’s because of nostalgia, perhaps it’s because of
the simplicity of it all, perhaps it’s because I need to believe that one day I
TOO will be hot enough to catch the eye of an attractive, sensitive unemployed
British engineer/architect. Like I
said, vicarious stand-ins.
But all I know is that every time
I noticed a moment taken DIRECTLY from another disaster movie, I couldn’t be
mad, because they picked the RIGHT moments. Remember that time when you were watching Titanic and
instead of worrying about Jack and Rose, all you could think of was that old
couple clinging to each other as the water was rising over their third-class
bed? That moment is in the
movie. Remember when all you
needed was for Jo and Bill to tie themselves to a pipe, using a belt, in order
to survive an F-5 that demolishes every other living being in the vicinity, but
they survive in order to realize they’re still in love with each other? Yup,
that moment made the best-of cut, as well. I recognized it all, and you know what? I didn’t care. Like Dorothy, I snuck a peek behind the
giant green curtain and instead of being mad that I was faced with a charlatan,
I thought, “well, but if you can get me home, you’re good in my book!”
It’s difficult to say which moment
was THE MOST ham-fisted, but maybe that’s also part of its charm. Maybe if you crowd the screen with so
much that’s ridiculously over-the-top, you forgive the moment when you realize
that, ultimately, the daughter just did a giant circle and ended up BACK at the
same collapsing building she started in.
Or that there’s a weird moment where maybe-soon-to-be-new-dad/real-estate
tycoon guy talks about skyscrapers like they’re his kids and uses a pun about
“raising them”…woof. On the other hand, Carla Gugino shines in her kick-ass mom
role that’s part Sarah Connor, part Helen Hunt, and all, totally believable. Seriously, Hollywood, give this woman
more roles! She’s amazing in all
of them. You take the good, you
take the bad and ultimately, you take San Andreas too.
Overall: Fun for the whole family,
unless you have a fear of earthquakes.
Then I’d imagine, you want to stay away from this one.
3.5 out of 5. It’s definitely worth a rent. Only disaster-movie fiends like me need
spend hard-earned money for a first-run viewing.
Also, if you or anyone you know
finds yourself equally attracted to the handsome, yet regular, British boy next
door, known as BEN in the movie, that’s Hugo Johnstone-Burt (I know, right?)
and he’s in a fantastic Australian TV series, “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries”
that I would highly recommend.
Yes, he’s Australian. Even
hotter now, right?
And finally, don’t forget to
recognize that Ollie, Ben’s precocious little brother was Rickon on Game of
Thrones, when Rickon was still around.
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