Oh Delilah!

So on the way home to Connecticut from Evansville (by minivan, mind you) there's not a whole lot to do. Once that daylight passes, you're usually left with at least a good 8 hours of darkness including five hours of Pennsylvania. Up in the mountains the radio rarely comes in well, and despite my i-pod, which had lasted us most of the way, I was desperate for something entertaining when I remembered Delilah. Yeah, this Delilah. If you don't know her, how dare you?! Do you still communicate by telegraph?!

She's like the Oprah of radio. She's syndicated so everyone in the nation can benefit from her top-notch advice. She listens to people's sob stories and love stories and death stories and addiction and recovery stories and on and on, until she puts her two cents in and plays them a song. Now people don't really get to request a song on Delilah. Her disciples have enough faith in her to let her choose the song that really fits their situation, and that's where the fun usually starts for me.

I used to joke about her poor song choices, but for a while, she had been disappointing. Everything was pretty spot on. And then I caught a gem of a story about an hour before we got out of Pennsylvania, and I'm pretty sure it was the game changer of the trip. Here's the story, not verbatim, but as I heard it.

A woman (unfortunately I can't remember her name right now, we'll call her Tina) calls Delilah and sounds a little down in the mouth.

Tina: "Delilah, I'm calling because there's a man out on the road right now that I really hope is listening right now, because I want him to know that I'll always be right here for him and I miss him."

Delilah: "Well Tina what's his name and what's happened?"

Tina: "well his name is Al (again changed to protect the innocent) and he's a truck driver and we're both divorced and I recently brought up the idea of getting married again and I think I scared him off a little"

Pause to explain. Now to any normal person, this is a sign that maybe you two should take things a little bit more slowly, no biggie, no relationship ender immediately, right? Well you're wrong, according to Big D.

Delilah: "Well Tina how long have you and Al been together"

Tina: "We've been together about 10 months"

Another Pause: WHAT?!?! 10 months and you're talking marriage?! No wonder Al got the hell out and put the pedal and his 18 wheels to the metal!

Delilah: "Well Tina it sounds to me like you just know what you want. Does Al know how you really feel?"

Tina: "Delilah, he's the one who said I love you first! And as soon as he said it I just knew"

Delilah: "So Tina, you do want to get married again right?"

Tina: "Yes"

Delilah: "And you want that to be with a stable, loving man, who's able to provide you all the support and respect you deserve, right?"

Another Pause-and this is where Tina starts to catch on to what Delilah is really saying

Tina: "Yes and Delilah I just feel like Al's been leading me on this whole time"

Delilah: "Well I'm going to play you a song and you can let Al know that you deserve so much more than what he's giving you. You deserve that loving relationship you dream of!"

And just like that it was over. Within roughly 90 seconds, Tina had gone from "I love Al and scared him off because of my freakishly fast need for marriage" to "I don't need Al, he's a terrible man, what was I thinking, thanks Delilah!"

And all I could picture was Al, in the cab of his semi, listening to this, his face going from a calm, almost serene look that comes from knowing that your woman is thinking about you, silently changing into "What the hell?!" mode. I pictured Al having a number of reactions, anything from tearing the radio out of the dash to silently sobbing into his decade old pillow. And I started to laugh hysterically. And then when my dad heard me laugh he started laughing and so did my mom. And before I could even turn the radio up to hear what song she had specially chosen, I heard my dad say

"RUN AL!! Just Keep Driving Buddy. That woman is CRAZY! 10 months?! Is she out of her mind?! What an idiot. I hope Al has a woman in every state that he says I love you to"

And as he's laughing and saying this, I turn up the volume and catch a bit of the song. Oh yes, Delilah, once again you didn't disappoint: It's Tina Turner's "Better Be Good To Me". Oh poor, poor Al. He really didn't see that one coming. He was probably hoping for maybe some Hall & Oats "Kiss on My List" or maybe some Janet Jackson "Miss you much" or even some Streisand "You don't bring me flowers". Any of those would have been better than having a woman, newly convinced of the idea that you were leading her on, tell you over the radio waves and to the whole nation 'you "Better Be Good To Me".'

Oh the genius of Delilah Queen of She-Ra Man Despisers strikes again! Bravo!

Tina Turner's "Better Be Good To Me" and here are the lyrics:

A prisoner of your love
Entangled in your web
Hot whispers in the night
I'm captured by your spell
Oh yes I'm touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion
Should I, should I?
You better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
Cause I don't have no use
For what you loosely call the truth
You better be good to me
I think it's also right
That we don't need to fight
We stand face to face
And you present your case
And I know you keep telling me that you love me
And I really do wanna believe
But did you think I'd just accept you in blind faith
Oh sure babe, anything to please you
You better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
Cause I don't have the time
For your over loaded lines
You better be good to me
And I really don't see why it's so hard to be good to me
And I don't understand what's your plan that you can't be good to me
What I can't feel I surely cannot see, why can't you be good to me
And if it's not real I do not wish to see, why can't you be good to me